Living in the Shadow...

Where Are You, Christmas?

2008-12-23T22:24:00.004-05:00

It's weird how fast Christmas has come upon us yet how un-Christmasy I feel tonight. The days seem as though they've turned liquid, flowing down insanely fast to this most holy of days. I don't know if it's been the simply pitter patter of life that's crafted it's own beat that's muffled the passage of time or what but I do know that it's gotten here quick!

Yet, as I'd mentioned, I'm sort of missing the Yuletide spirit. Okay, that's not entirely true; I've got a bit. But, I don't know, I just kind of feel like I keep missing the true spirit of Christmas. I had great intentions of truly celebrating Advent this year but that aforementioned pitter patter got in the way. So here we are, almost at Christmas Eve, and the bulk of my worship and remembrance has occurred in hurried prayers on the way to work. Sad.

The thing about it is that I love Christmas. It's probably my favorite time of year with the whole deal. I love the cool air, the shopping for loved one's, and the simple vibe of cheer that seems to permeate things. Yet, for whatever reason, I'm a little out of the loop right now. Now, it could just be that it's been a long day and a crazy week but I'm just saying...

I don't know...I could ramble on and on incoherently but you don't want to read that and neither do I. So until I've something useful to offer, I'll just shut up...

Insanity

2008-12-11T16:37:00.001-05:00

It's been said that insanity can be defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. Interesting....

Writing for Wrecked

2008-12-11T03:43:00.003-05:00

I've added a new site to my writing resume, Wrecked For the Ordinary. Ironically, it was through one of the artists we reviewed over at Soul-Audio that I came to know of the site but they seemed to have a mindset similar to mine. And no, Mom, they don't pay. And yes, I probably have the largest resume of non-paying gigs in history. But at least someone likes my work...

Here's the first review I've done for them of Jim Palmer's Divine Nobodies.

On a Different Note...

2008-12-11T03:37:00.004-05:00

Despite my frustration over the overplayed Mariah Carey Christmas jam this year, I've snagged a new track to my Christmas favorites. It's Dan Fogelberg's "Same Auld Lang Syne." Have you heard this? What a wonderfully written song! And poignant to the point of being painful. Here're the lyrics:

"Same Auld Lang Syne"

Met my old lover in the grocery store
The snow was falling christmas eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve

She didnt recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried.

We took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totalled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged.

We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldnt find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car.

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how.

She said she'd married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didnt like to lie.

I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasnt sure if I saw
Doubt or gratitude.

She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
But the traveling was hell.

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how.

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to time
Reliving in our eloquence
Another auld lang syne..

.The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
And I watched her drive away.

Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain --

Simply beautiful.

Insomnia

2008-12-11T03:21:00.004-05:00

So it's officially 3:21 AM and yes, I am awake. I don't wish to be awake; in fact, I wish that I was snug in my bed, dreaming of a fluffy cloud land and various nighttime pleasures while allowing my body some much needed rest but, alas, I am not in control of the universe. Actually, I'm finding that I'm in less and less control of pretty damn near everything these days and it's driving me a little crazy. That, and that pesky early mid-life crisis thing and the fact that I can find zero time to myself these days.

I don't mean to be cranky but, like I said, it is 3 in the morning and well, I'm just not all sunshine and roses right now. I think that part of this bit of insomnia is simply my brain working overtime, pondering, thinking, compiling. It's frustrating, this particular phase of life. I want to have some greater sense of direction, of knowing at least which way is North. Yet, I feel like I've landed in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle and am watching my compass spin wildly with abandon. And I hardly have time to even look at it.

In good Christian fashion, because I always have to assume the possibility that my sleeplessness is being caused by Someone greater than me, I turned to the bible this early, early morning to see if God had something to say. I guess, in a way, he did. Here's the passage I ended up with:

Ephesians 1:22-23 (The Voice) : "God has placed all things beneath His feet and anointed Him as the head over all things for His church. This church is His body, the fullness of the One who fills all in all."

There was more prior but, well, I don't feel like typing it all out right now. Suffice it to say that it was a prayer of the Apostle Paul for the church at Ephesus to embrace the wisdom of God and so on. I want to embrace the wisdom. I want to be a part of something. But something is holding me back. Is it pride? I don't know, maybe. Is it fear? In some ways, yes. I don't want to experience the hurt again. I just don't know.

Yet, I know I have to do something about it. Erin shared with me last night that she really misses being in church. My kids need to be in church. Yet, here I stand, reluctant. Why is it that I can love God yet find His people and places so frustrating? I know it's not fair to paint all believers with so wide a brush but I just see so much crap. And I know I contribute my share as well.

God help us all.

All I Want for Christmas...

2008-12-10T08:32:00.003-05:00

...is for them to stop playing that "All I Want For Christmas Is You!"

It's a good song but, come on! Every three songs? I can't take that much Mariah!

Innocence

2008-12-07T06:29:00.005-05:00

Perhaps it's the Christmas season or just my recent frame of mind but I found myself thinking about my children a bit this week. I'm petrified of the day when they lose their innocence. Now, by legal standards, neither of them are really all that innocent. I mean, they've fully indulged in the wonders of lies, assault, and other fun stuff that kids learn right out of the womb. Yet, I'm talking more about that full-on, veil lifted from the eyes painful revealing that shows you how much darker the world really is. Now, if that sounds a bit, well, cynical, it is.

But I hope that day is a long time coming. I hope that my son will still love playing with his Star Wars toys and zapping bad guys for a long time to come. I hope that a game of UNO with his dad or a 30-minute episode of Blue's Clues will continue to bring delight to my kids' eyes forever. I fear so much for that time when they become over-busy, cynical (yes, like me), and scarred. The freshness of their youth, the wonder of the world around them, I don't want them to ever lose that.

Yet, how do we as parents help them to avoid those paths? Do we help them to avoid them or simply follow along that it's just the way the world works? I don't want to shelter my kids because that's simply foolish, and quite frankly keeps them from so many other wonders that they may experience. But I don't want them to just jump out there either, for as soon as they do, I fear they'll be swept up into the rat race, desensitized and run dry. It's a quandry for sure.

As I was thinking about some of this, the words of Jesus came to me:

Luke 18:15-17 (MSG) : People brought babies to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. When the disciples saw it, they shooed them off. Jesus called them back. "Let these children alone. Don't get between them and me. These children are the kingdom's pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in."

What is that simplicity? What is it about a child that makes them so readily available to the Kingdom of God? I think it's the ability to focus, to allow the one thing to really become your all. And to maintain a sense of wonder, of trust. We, or at least I, have lost that to some degree in this hurried world. Who can we trust? The government? Our churches? Our friends? Our jobs? All will let us down eventually. All will ask more of us than we truthfully feel we can give. And we will run ourselves ragged looking for acceptance, money, pleasure, and more.

Yet, the little child, while still having so many of these same needs, learns to trust that he will be provided for. He doesn't lose sleep over where his next meal, his next set of clothes, or his next toy will come from; that's Mom and Dad's job. He also finds glory and wonder in all that is around him. The simple sculpture of sand in a sandbox provides amazement for the child as does a simple song or time spent coloring. And the darkness of this world? Again, Mom and Dad will protect us!

I mentioned focus but neglected to flesh it out. If you've ever been around a kid or, God bless you, have a child who's set his or her mind to something like, say, going somewhere or doing something, you know what I mean. This thought, this idea, becomes the driving force for that child. It never leaves their mind, nor their lips, as they constantly remind you of it. And as I think of our relationship to Christ, and our reluctant reliance upon him, this is the quality that we most lack, that of focus. We need to learn to make our relationship, our time, our desires, to be his and his alone. Only then when we do that will we find true peace.

It's funny because so often I'm excited to be teaching my kids new things, letters, numbers, words, and more. Yet, it seems, I'd do better off learning from them.

My Great Heaviness

2008-12-04T16:37:00.002-05:00

I'm sensing a theme here as of late within my updated blogs and it seems to be one of heaviness. There's a sense of weight, and an ensuing fatigue that seems to be following me here as of late. I'm not entirely sure why that is but it certainly seems to be holding fast.

This week, it's been the idea of "church" that's been looming over my head. Perhaps it's the time of year, this remembrance of the Incarnation and it's beauty that makes me long for renewal, for that true sense of community. I don't know but the concept, or at the very least our lack of involvement in the concept, keeps nagging me.

"Maybe you're afraid," you're thinking. You're right; I am. There is definitely a part of me that is scared to dive back into that fracas. We were wounded by the institution, something I keep trying to lay down and constantly find myself picking back up, absentminedly running my hands over the scars, but that's not entirely it. I'm just not sure where I stand anymore.

We've been to church off and on since our ministry time, and in those times have tried our best to be faithful to the fellowship we were attending, present time excluded, of course. Yet, in those times, we just haven't been able to connect. And truthfully, it just feels hollow, wasteful, almost worthless. Yet, there are all of these other people who lock in, who seem to get "plugged in" and have these life-changing experiences. And this is coming out of communities that (yes this is spoken with cynicism) by and large tend toward fairly shallow teaching and the like. What gives?

I realize that I've just entered into a rambling state here (truly the mark of a great writer) yet bear with me. Yes, part of me is scared. Yes, as I approach the entrance to the building, my chest tightens up and my defenses go up, to some degree. Yet, there's more. There's an idealogical change that's taken place in me over the past several years that I can't quite put words to yet will here in this meandering blog.

I'm not sure that I believe in the institutional church anymore. I love people, usually, but I'm fed up with our services, our programs, and our events. They're not what God has called us to. We're called to live our lives out together, sharing and, here's the biggie, caring for not only one another but for the "least of these." While some may point to XXX retreat that they just did or XXX small group or XXX event that was just held with the purpose of doing that, it just doesn't seem to be the overall heartbeat anymore. Service and love can't be contained in a program or an event; sure they can be part of them sometimes but just because you've held this event doesn't mean you've hit your quota. It's a lifestyle!

Add to that our certainty, our obnoxious "I've got it figured out and you don't" mentality that allows us to decide the eternal fate of others based solely upon a few questions and I'm just not sure I fit in anymore. Yet, what else is there? Do we simply leave the team, joining free agency and hoping to find something better? That's not really my style. Yet, what do we do? What do I do? Thus far, I feel as though I've been wearing concrete shoes and long for something meaningful, something of worth. And I do feel as though I've something to give, something to offer that will make a difference. But where? How?

Forgive the over the top rambling but, like I said, just feeling a little heavy today...

Meanest, Worst Parents in the World

2008-12-02T21:27:00.002-05:00

"You guys are the meanest, worst parents in the world!"

Thus were the words that sealed my son's fate the other night as he was quickly ushered to bed and forbidden television the next day. The outburst came as the result of our asking him to (gasp! the nerve!) go in his bedroom and study his spelling words. He apparently thought this had breached the every tenuous line of cruel and unusual punishment and opted to let us know his thoughts on the issue.

At the time, I was relatively nonchalant on the outburst and allowed Erin to vent the steam. Yet, as I pondered those words later, I found myself a little sad on the inside. Granted, Erin later found out that Tyler was, to some degree, repeating a sarcastic slogan that yours truly tends to throw around when the kids are in a wonderfully whiny mood but, either way, those words found some purchase deep inside.

Now, I know that my son didn't mean what he said. In fact, I bet that he doesn't even remember what he said at this point. But that doesn't matter. It stung. I don't want to be that guy, the one who pushes his kids away, who is more of the authority figure, looming over their every movement with the threat of retaliation. I want to be the dad that my kids love, whom they respect, and obey thusly.

Yet, as of late, I find my fuse short with the kids. Maybe it's because we haven't really had much time as adults together and are simply at the refueling point. Maybe it's just that it's been a long haul here as of late and we just need some sleep. I don't know but I do know that I don't want to be that guy. For those who look at the cuddly Christmas pictures on cards this year, be forewarned: Despite the window dressing, parenting is HARD WORK!

This I Can Get Behind...

2008-11-26T07:26:00.003-05:00

We all know that I've had my issues in recent years with the church and elements of the faithful but, in all honesty, this is a message I can stand behind:

My wife's response? "He's insane." Pray for me...

Gotta Love Groucho

2008-11-26T06:27:00.001-05:00

Just a great quote I stumbled upon today:

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." - Groucho Marx

So true, so true...

Running Through My Mind

2008-11-24T20:15:00.002-05:00

This song has been running through my mind lately, giving me pause for thought. It's from Switchfoot, entitled "This Is Your Life."

"yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
and you had everything to lose"

Good question....

Disappointed and Ashamed

2008-11-23T14:44:00.002-05:00

Those are the two emotions I've been keeping under wraps here today after some revelations yesterday. Erin and I had the chance to spend a few hours together, grabbing some dinner at the always fabulous El Adobe and then swinging by Best Buy for me to pick up the previously mentioned David Cook album. While at the Best Buy, we happened upon the display for the Playstation 3. I grabbed Erin and let her know that I would really like to get one for Tyler for Christmas to which she emphatically replied, "We just can't afford it!"

Now, I'm not going to lie; my disappointment wasn't all for my boy. I too enjoy a video game then and again as I simple stress reliever myself. And quite frankly, as one who has watched the games evolve from the Atari 2600 (Pitfall, anyone?) to the uber-realistic graphics and gameplay of today, I'm in awe of these machines. Plus, they're a Blu-Ray DVD player as well which, in my opinion, sets us up for the next big purchase in a flat-panel TV. But, in further honesty, video games have provided Tyler and I a way to bond and spend some good time together. We've tackled Storm Troopers together, found the Lost Ark of the Covenant together, and have even boxed one another a time or two. Of course, that's before the Playstation 2 broke. Twice. And since then, we've just been waiting. And waiting. And hoping.

Now that's the disappointment part of our show. The ashamed emotions come from the fact that I'm allowing myself to get even the slightest bit bummed about our not being able to procure some potentially overpriced toy for my son and I while others are just thankful to be getting a meal, hot or cold, during this holiday season. This morning I was greeted with the local news which pontificated over the poor economy, the rising homeless rate, and the plight of the everyday citizen to just make ends meet. And I was ashamed.

I was ashamed because I am blessed. I'm eating steak and corn and rice for dinner tonight, the ingredients of which I bought fresh from a local grocery store with money we earned from our jobs. Tonight we'll sleep in warm, comfortable beds after tucking our healthy children into their warm beds. Tomorrow we'll rise and drive to work in our cars which run, which are full of gas, which will convey us to our jobs which we're more than fortunate to have. It's so easy to forget the blessings we have. And it's not that it's wrong to want things or to desire some material possession but when we look around, it just reminds of us how much we DO have.

So do I still want a Playstation 3? Sure I do. But will I lose sleep over it? Not this Christmas. I really want to focus on the things that are important and truly remember the blessings I have.

Don't Judge Me...

2008-11-22T20:56:00.003-05:00

...because I just picked up the new David Cook album and am three songs in and still like it....

Just don't judge me!

It Can't Rain All the Time

2008-11-20T20:01:00.003-05:00

Every now and then, there is a silver lining, even in a crappy week like this has been...

Tonight, on The Office, Toby's back! Woo hoo!

200 B.P.M.'s

2008-11-20T16:54:00.002-05:00

A week or so ago my wife and I had the chance to sit down and watch the latest Incredible Hulk movie. I've always been a fan of the Hulk, from reading the comic books to watching the old school television show with Lou Ferrigno and Bill Bixby. I will admit that the Ang Lee adaption of the franchise left me wanting, really wanting. But as we watched the latest featuring Edward Norton, one of the more underrated actors in my opinion, I found myself pleased as I munched my popcorn.

I think the thing that has always intrigued me about the Hulk is the ongoing battle between Dr. Banner and his alter-ego. Banner is constantly warring within himself, recalling truths a certain apostle seemed to pen nearly 2000 years ago. That's a battle that I'm more than familiar with and the over the top comic book rendering of it simply hits home for me.

Lately it's hit home more than I like. I'm generally a pretty even-keel kind of guy, patient to a fault, some might say. But in more recent weeks, that's been far from the truth. While I've still maintained some sense of decorum, I find my inner workings struggling against outside influences. It's as though outside stimuli, noises, kids, idiot drivers, and more are all working doubletime to get under my skin. And it's working, and I find myself, like Banner, watching my heart rate rise and rise, approaching that 200 b.p.m. danger zone.

Okay, so I'm not sure if I'm really having my heart pump that hard but the bottom line is that I'm just struggling with maintaining my sanity amongst all this stuff as of late. Normally, I can just shrug things off or just, and this is great, stuff it deep inside until I can let it out in sports or some other venue like WRITING IN ALL CAPS. But it's like a filters been removed and I just can't let it slide, can't shove it down; it's almost as though I'm trying to stuff the trash down into the can and it just won't take any more.

I'm not sure what's going on, and, yes Mom, I am praying about it, but for now, don't make me angry. Trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

So I'm Pretty Proud...

2008-11-18T22:43:00.003-05:00

In the giant gap between my blogging history, my amazing wife decided that she was going to walk for the cure, the cure for breast cancer, that is. So, for the better part of this year, she's been training with her group called "Walking in Sunshine." They're one of the more prominent 3-Day groups in the Tampa Bay area and really provided a wonderful experience and friendship for Erin. They trained primarily each weekend, beginning with some smaller distances building to distances along the lines of 18 miles or so toward the end. It was some serious training.

On top of that, the walkers had to raise $2200 each just to walk. I was so proud of Erin as she worked with her friends to organize fundraisers and work toward bringing the very real curse of breast cancer closer to it's end. Her team alone ended up raising over $120,000 toward the cure. The real moment of pride came as we headed up to St. Pete for the closing ceremonies and joined the huge crowd of family and friends as we greeted our loved ones who had spent the last three days walking 60 miles in hopes of eradicating breast cancer.

I love my wife. She's an amazing woman. Just wanted to share that...

Midlife Crisis

2008-11-18T16:40:00.002-05:00

I'm not entirely sure why but this morning as I drove into work I was reminded of the failures that have taken place in my life. Granted, it wasn't every failure that came to mind but it was the one's that, for whatever reason, still seem to haunt my memory. And it's not like these are things that I dwell on or that keep me up late at night, chewing my fingernails and causing me untold anguish, but, well, sometimes remembering them just simply gives me the blues. So here are some of the thoughts that came to mind...

...the time that I gashed my hand open the week before a beach volleyball tournament, when my partner and I were probably at the best playing level we'd ever be at...

...the tournament that found us playing to move into the semifinals where we rallied only to lose due to an errant serve to my partner...

...the tournament this past year that I "played" and then got benched to watch the team go down in further flames...(not too mention the open gym I attended shortly thereafter and simply played the worst I've played in years!)

(Lots of sport failures in there...)

Those were some of the more vivid one's that came to mind. Along with them came thoughts of missed, at least in perception, opportunities like my parting with ministry life. Or different financial things.

I don't know, I guess that sometimes I just find myself having failed one heck of a lot more than I've succeeded. The only things I've done right are marry my wife and father my two pretty great kids but that's better attributed to the grace of God than to any merit that I might have. I've just found myself as of late really longing to make an impact, to do something of substance with the ideas, thoughts, and dreams that I have. I don't want to have my dreams crash and burn like those of my youth. Yet, some days, I'm not even sure what those dreams are...

I Miss This...

2008-11-12T21:26:00.003-05:00

It's funny but I just found myself, after pounding out email after email on the laptop, working feverishly on our little fledgling website, longing to blog something. Anything really. The truth is, I've missed my little rendezvous' with this little diary of mine. I miss having someplace to simply unpack my thoughts, my feelings, and little points of happenstance that have come along my way. Yet, I feel that more often than not, there's just not any time for those sort of things. And even more so, I wonder if I anyone cares what I've got to say anyway...

But the truth is, I miss just having the very time to share my thoughts. Forums like this give me an attempt to put my whirling thoughts onto paper, in a manner of speaking, and allow me a chance to see where I've been and where I'm at, hopefully pointing the way to where I'm going. When I don't have those opportunities (see the last year, virtually!) I feel a bit lost, like I'm mismanaging my time and more.

So, I took the time. And, you know what? I feel just a little better for it. Now I'm going to close this laptop up and go crawl into bed with a good book. Ah, it feels good to have some time...:)

Nine Years Ago Today...

2008-05-08T16:51:00.003-04:00

...I had no idea what an adventure I was getting myself into. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, my life went from docile and boring to something rivaling any Indiana Jones movie. The culprit? Taking the hand of my lovely wife in marriage.

The road has certainly been, well, interesting, with this past year or so upping the ante every moment. Whether we're juggling rugrats, rushing to and fro, venting, or whatever, it's still a beautiful thing because we're doing it together. It was pretty cheesy in Jerry Maguire when he delivered the "You complete me" speech but, after living these past several years with Erin, I dare say that I could make that claim.

She's my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my favorite face to see in the morning and my favorite face to see at night. She understands me (most of the time!), puts up with me, and still loves me. Plus, she eats my cooking. She's a wonderful woman and I count myself among the luckiest of men.

Today, I celebrate our love and thank God for the blessing that He's given me in you, sweetheart. I love you!

Check out Soul-Audio!

2008-05-08T16:47:00.002-04:00

It's taken me forever to have a few minutes to be able to jump over here and blog a bit but the reason I've been so busy, life notwithstanding, is that I've been working hard at this new gig I've got over at Soul-Audio. My good friend Matt approached me some time ago about it's prospects and we officially launched in April and have been getting consistently busier as the days go by.

Our initial target is the CCM (contemporary Christian music, for those not in the 'know') market with expansions into artists of faith working in the mainstream as well. Plus, in the future, there's the chance for book, movie, and whatever else reviews and coverage we can offer. So, come check us out! We'd love to hear your feedback!

Recent Writing...

2008-04-01T06:59:00.003-04:00

It's been some time since I've really posted any links to anything that I've been working on so I thought maybe we could work our way back and let me reestablish that, yes, I have been writing some. Actually, I'm looking forward to unveiling something that I'm really excited about in the next couple of days but, in the meantime, allow me to share some of what I've been at work on most recently.

Let's begin with my recent work for Stereo Subversion.

First up is a review for longtime party jammers, The B-52's new album, Funplex. It's just what you'd expect from the group: quirky, progressive, and fun.

Next is a review of Paul Thorn and band's latest effort, A Long Way From Tupelo. For my money, Thorn is one of the most underrated artists working in the industry today. Let's hope new management and this album help him to overcome that monkey on his back.

And last but not least, for the moment, is my review of alt-country chanteusse Tift Merritt's most recent work, Another Country. It's soulful, light, and refreshing. It's a wonderful sonic retreat for those in need of some respite from the day-to-day grind.

More to come...

Remembering Today...

2008-03-21T16:11:00.001-04:00

Random Bulletpoints of Honesty

2008-03-20T16:55:00.002-04:00

I still get misty when I rewatch movies like Titanic and Armageddon.
I am secretly addicted to YouTube.
If there were an election for candy bars, I still hold that Whatchamacallit with Twix as it's running mate is the way to go.
Sometimes I wonder if the indie scene isn't just a little bit overrated.
Occasionally I wonder, "What if...?"
And other days, "Why?"

Like A Ship Without A Sail...

2008-03-19T16:35:00.003-04:00

That's pretty much how I've felt as of late, like that proverbial ship floating in the ocean without any impetus to get him anywhere. It's one of, if not the, most frustrating thing in my life right now. All through my life, beginning about halfway through middle school, I've had something to push me on, to pursue, some vision to hope to see fulfilled. Then it was to become the best volleyball player I could. Yeah, it's kind of basic and simple and a little bit childish but that simple drive pushed me to so many cool experiences and, in the meantime, I got to be a pretty damn good player too. Moving alongside that as I got older was a passion for God and the Church, ministry in particular. While that journey was a bumpy one, I eventually found myself in a ministry position and pursuing what I was after.

But somewhere along that journey, my vision shifted. It wasn't that I took my eyes off of God, as some will and surely have suggested, but rather that as I encountered more of Him along with thinking honestly and openly about the things we tend to ascribe to Him via the Church that I began to see things in a different perspective. I began to see the emperor's new clothes for what they are and, as I began to call into question some of the shaky dogmatic foundations of my faith, I found my perspective shifting. This is where things get dicey.

The circumstances that propelled me out of direct "ministry" are such that have been tossed around more than once here and aren't worth going into again. And I'll admit that it's an easy solution to simply say that my lack of vision, my frustration with everything I'm doing, is due to the fact that I'm "out of God's will," that His will is for me to be in some regular ministry. And, I'm not discounting the idea that this may be true. But the corollary to that is that, perhaps, my dissonance with the modern Church is actually based upon something of substance and that is what prevents me from diving wholeheartedly back into the pool. Either way you cut it, I'm left adrift, not sure which way to turn and feeling unfulfilled and at times like a failure at most junctures.

One of my thoughts regarding regaining some sense of focus was that I need to reclaim or rediscover what it is I'm truly passionate about. What are the things I want to focus on or do in my spare time? What subjects truly interest me? So, I began to think about what books are on my to-buy shelf at my workplace. Now, keep in mind that I work for a full-bore Christian retail outlet so that'll be reflected but, just for kicks, here's what there:

Postmodernity by Lakeland
Shopping Malls and Other Sacred Spaces by Pahl
The Prymer by Webber
The Jesus Creed by McKnight
What Does the Bible Really Say About Hell? by Klassen
The Suburban Christian by Hsu
Practitioners by Russinger and Field
Letters to a Diminished Church by Sayers
Selected Writings by Eckhart
Divine Nobodies by Palmer
Hood by Lawhead
Penguins and Golden Calves by L'Engle
Everyday Theology by Vanhoozer
Entertainment Theology by Taylor
Jesus for President by Claiborne
The New Christians by Jones

It's a decent list and within the simple content there I see a thread of love, of hope, and interest in the Church. Yet, like many, I can't return to the church of my youth. As much as I'm thankful for the experiences there, I can't go back. I want to be part of the bigger picture, of the true vision Christ has set out there. And, something tells me, that doesn't take place in big buildings with flashy lights and all the glitz and glamour. Rather, it takes place in the trenches, among the least of these. I long for direction. I long for courage. I long for peace and rest. I long for Him.

The Great American Equalizer

2008-03-14T16:50:00.002-04:00

For the most part, I'm not a guy who really puts on airs. I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and have, by and large, maintained a fair disposition with those from all walks of life. Race nor sexual orientation really play a part in those that I call friends or defend. Essentially what I'm saying is that I pretty much get along with everyone and don't think too much of myself in the meantime.

There's only one place that this tends to slip, and that's at the great American equalizer, the flea market, a place my wife, daughter, and I chanced upon for the first time in a long time. I'd forgotten the joy that is the local flea market, the greasy-fried smell of food in the air, the more than eclectic array of wares for sale, and, oh yeah, the people. I can honestly say, and I'm not particularly proud of this truth, that the flea market is the one place where, no matter where I'm at in life, my pride gets a little adrenaline boost. It's a rather harsh statement but it's true. There are some, ah, unusual folks that can be found at the flea market. In fact, it's not even the customers that are the most interesting. Rather, it's the vendors themselves.

Like a carnival that's dropped it's tent stakes for the last time, those that man the booths possess a certain quality that just sets them apart. They're out making an honest, in most cases, living and are by and large hard workers. But, I don't know, some of them are just, weird. Consider the guy selling new, and yes, used spas. Or what about the guy on the corner with the handwritten sign on orange construction paper that reads, "Stun Gun Sail!" These are not your average folks. It's a sideshow element that appears when you can buy a "God Bless America" t-shirt from the Chinese vendor and homegrown produce from the young man who looks in dire need of a green card. What an experience.

Now, just as a disclaimer, I don't honestly think of myself as better than any of these people. They're doing the best with what they have and are doing very well. But there are obvious differences in us all as a human population and those differences make for some great stories!

Shifting Perspectives...and Rambo

2008-03-11T16:49:00.002-04:00

It continues to amaze me as I grow older how much my perspectives on life and all it's assorted adventures have continued to shift. Everything from my view on politics, theology, love, and everything in between seems to be susceptible to the charm of change. Recently, I saw this in how I viewed two bits of media that I came into contact with.

The first was when my darling wife and I headed off to our local metroplex in order to catch the latest installment of the Rambo series, aptly entitled, Rambo. Now, I'd done my homework going in and knew that, if anything, this was going to be a slightly more grisly Rambo than the films I'd grew up with. Now, it's important to note that those films played a huge part in my adolescent development. Perhaps that's a sad statement but it's nonetheless true. Sylvester Stallone and David Morrell's lonely yet deadly Vietnam vet helped to shape the young man sitting at this keyboard before you. Deal with it. Anyway, we headed into the film. Wow. Not quite the film we were expecting. From the get-go, this is a film that is rife with violence, gore, and tragedy. Truthfully, it's tough to find a sense of hope anywhere within. Now, that's not to say that I didn't find worth in the film. As a matter of fact, I think it's a powerfully anti-violence manifesto that sends it's message across with it's graphic images. But, it's definitely not the hero of my youth.

The second media encounter was somewhat different. At work I took home a damaged copy of a book by author Robert Liparulo entitled Deadfall. I'd read some of his stuff earlier and enjoyed the fact that, while it's written by a Christian author, it offered up stories that were both exciting and honest without being preachy and bland as much Christian fiction can be. Deadfall is a fantastical tale of a town overcome by a band of bloodthirsty young men and women who are in possession of a lethal weapon of futuristic proportions. A band of friends out camping are all that stand in the way between them and the complete annhiliation of the town. It's a riveting read, fast-paced and tailor made for the silver screen. Yet, as I finished, I found myself wrestling with a thought or two.

The problem I encountered in both these works of fiction was that both tales portrayed the bad guys as nothing but that, just bad. While Deadfall at least allowed for a few of it's baddies to show a sense of reality, the chief bad guy is simply an evil man, continually starved for killing and violence. Likewise, Rambo portrays it's bad guys, the Burmese occupiers, as cold-blooded and evil through and through despite the fact that it also shows the all-too-true reality that many of the soldiers fostered into service are forced into that very service. And the chief baddie? Not a redeeming quality is to be found.

Two retorts come to mind as I ponder these thoughts. The first is simply that these are movies, works of fiction that, for all intents and purposes are designed to entertain their consumers. And, to some degree or anther, they do. Yet, while entertaining, movies do influence us if we stop thinking about them. I've no beef with interacting with popular culture; my beef is when we begin to interact with that culture without running it through the proverbial sieve. The second question to ponder is the idea that these are depraved people who are portrayed here who have committed remarkable atrocities. This is true and this thinking is not to in any way condone or belittle those atrocties. But, we must face the question, what are we teaching ourselves to think?

And this, finally, is where my shift of perspective rolls in. There was a time when I would be cheering for the bad guys to get theirs. In fact, I even experienced a bit of a rise of that in me as I watched this latest Rambo. But then I got to thinking (always a dangerous endeavor) of what I was really encouraging in my mind. Was I willing to cheer for and celebrate the violent takedown of another human life, no matter how evil they were perceived to be? Now, you might be saying to yourself that I'm simply going soft and that I just can't understand true evil. False. I do get what I'm saying. I understand the depravity of the heart of man quite well for I understand, to some degree, the depravity of my own heart. Yet, I also look within and see that within me, as I believe is within all of us, is a desire, albeit fleeting at times, to do right and to do good. I also lean to the idea that, like it or not, we are all created in the "image of God" and that this very image resides upon the meek, the humble, the proud, the powerful, the good, and yes, the evil. I've come to a place where I can't speak for what God is doing in the life of another because I honestly don't know what He's doing. Yet, I can stand up for that life, loving them unconditionally as He has me, showing them grace even when they don't deserve, because that's exactly what He's done for me. Would it cost me my life if those things were real and the threat were before me? Perhaps, but it seems as though one far more wise than I once said, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."

Trying to See in the Dark

2008-03-10T21:07:00.002-04:00

There was a time when I, to some degree, thought I had some things figured out. I had nailed down some points of religion and faith, had settled down with a wife and kids, and seemed focused on something ahead. But, somewhere along the line, despite all those things, it feels like someone turned the lights out. And now, like some figurative Helen Keller, I feel deaf and blind, immune to any outside input to share direction. In a way, it feels like I've lost the ability to dream.

I've had some friends ask me that recently, that one-time easily answered, "If you could do what you want right now, what would that be?", but now, I'm not so sure. Of course, I have some simple things I'd like to do but, ultimately, they still feel hollow. It's a weird place to be in, of having no direction and no GPS to guide me. I've prayed, I've read, I've sought counsel and still, to this day, nothing. A few friends suggest that perhaps this place of frustration and confusion is just where I'm supposed to be, that it's a place I've been put in to help develop my character, my integrity, and eventually draw me closer to God. That may be true but it doesn't take the edge off in the meantime.

It's a scary place, wandering in the dark. I'm constantly trying to attune my senses to those things around me, trying to feel my way around and find some handhold on something tangible that I can touch and feel. Every now and then I latch onto something only to have it quickly slip away, almost taunting me with it's going. I'm not exactly sure how one regains the ability to dream, to think big thoughts and to pursue them, but I'm pretty sure I need to figure it out. If I don't, I'm afraid of what will happen.

I'm Back, Finally...

2008-01-22T07:37:00.000-05:00

This will be a short post but I think it's a step in the right direction. Those few faithful readers will note that, well, my blogposts have been few and far between as of late. In fact, it's been nearly three months since I've posted anything of remote substance. That fast, if you will, was both self-imposed and frustrating. Life hit a little series of random bumps that kept stealing my time away and frustrating my efforts to sit down and write something for myself. Now a few of those rough spots have been smoothed over although I'm certain there's more to come. But, either way, I want to get this thing going again. I've continued to wrestle with issues regarding church, theology, and life in general and intend to throw those things back into the fray along with the occasional, although it may be more frequent, YouTube video that you just can't miss. So, this has essentially been a self-serving bit of fluff to read here but it's basically my way of saying stay tuned, there's more to come...

Thanks for the Memories, Porter...

2007-10-29T07:31:00.000-04:00

Grand Ole Opry institution and country music legend Porter Wagoner passed away Sunday evening, succombing to lung cancer. Porter will be missed, as his music and heart have touched millions, but all we know is that heaven's choir just got a little bit sweeter. Thanks for the memories, Porter.

Now I Can Rest Easy

2007-10-23T21:40:00.000-04:00

Now we can all take a load off. Chuck Norris, yes, the Texas Ranger himself, has finally weighed in with his pick for the presidential race. Whew! That's a load off...

Weird Headline of the Day

2007-10-22T19:02:00.001-04:00

Simply bizarre...

India Official Dies After Monkey Attack

Am I Getting Sappy?

2007-10-18T07:45:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I might be getting sappy but this is just a powerful video. To me, it speaks to the pain of the human experience and especially much of that pain that we bring on ourselves as we struggle to navigate the waters of life. I don't know, it's just, well, powerful. Decide for yourself.

A Coming Advent

2007-10-15T23:32:00.001-04:00

Ah, fall is in the air. Sure, it's not making those of us in southwest Florida scurry for our hoodies just yet but there's that subtle change in the air, that slight change in the way the light hits the leaves in the late afternoon. It's a wonderful time of year and a time of year that is slowly becoming more and more important for me. Our friends Ryan and Holly are huge fans of the fall season as well. Their lives have come to be measured by it, allowing for fall to serve as a time for a sort of inner reckoning and reevaluation as to the past and the future. I'm starting to see things in this light as well.

And this fall just seems, well, significant. Can I explain it? Not really. But I just feel as though something is in the air. It's sort of like that admiral guy in Mary Poppins warning Mr. Banks that the wind is shifting, I feel as though my life is finally beginnig to shift as well. Where that may lead, who knows? I may end up having a tea party on the ceiling. Either way, I feel confident that the anticipation is for something good, for something positive.

Hopefully Back

2007-10-14T00:22:00.000-04:00

I apologize, not that you've been concerned, for the lack of posting lately. My new gig as music editor at Infuze has taken a wee bit of time to get adjusted to, most notably finding an email client that actually works all the way around. Thus, I've found myself near the situation you see in the picture to the right. But, I think I've finally conquered things with a bit of All-American know-how and desperate prayer. Things seem, just tonight, to be running smoothly. So, hopefully, I'm back.

They Really Shouldn't Have...

2007-10-08T07:40:00.000-04:00

This is just wrong!

Sweat-Flavored Soda on the Way

Review: Under the Influence of Buck - The Derailers

2007-10-04T07:38:00.000-04:00

The Derailers were a new name to me but the name of Buck Owens wasn't. The country legend had taken this group under his wing, appreciating their appreciation of his music and their heart for performing. It's this relationship that pours through this album, offering up covers of the late Owens' music that speak of love and care. This is good stuff. Here's the Infuze review:

Under the Influence of Buck - The Derailers

Interview: Soular

2007-09-28T14:58:00.000-04:00

I had the opportunity a month or so ago to sit down with Marsh from Alberquerque-based Brit rock outfit, Soular, and talk about music and art. You'll find the Stereo Subversion interview here:
Interview - Soular

Promoted

2007-09-28T14:55:00.000-04:00

Most of you know that I've been writing reviews for some time now for Infuze Magazine and have been garnering some good experience their along with watching my CD and movie collection grow as well. Well, now the experience is about to amp up that much more with a little promotion I've received. My good buddy Matt Conner is stepping down from his responsibilities as music editor there to pursue his own site, Stereo Subversion, which I'm fortunate enough to be involved in as well, and has handed the reins over to me. It's going to be tons of work, lots more free stuff, and great experience. If you haven't yet checked us out, go ahead. You know you want to! Do it for me...

I've Missed This Guy

2007-09-28T14:37:00.000-04:00

Just last week one of my oldest friends called me up to let me know that he and his family would be in Orlando for the week. So, this past Wednesday evening Erin and I bailed on work a hair early to make the trek across the state and visit my good buddy Walter, his lovely wife Paula, and their darling little girl Natalie. It was so good to catch up. We all reflected on how great it is to just have things pick up where we left off. Those are the best of friends. Now we're gonna have to make the trip to Massachusetts one day to visit them! Here's some pics:

This last pic was on the trip home...Good stuff..Kept it on his head sleeping for a while, too!

Review: Tension - Dizmas

2007-09-25T20:53:00.000-04:00

I've become a wee bit hardened the past couple of years against much of what the contemporary Christian music community has put out. So much of it is derivative, unimaginative, and just ends up sounding like the band before them. So, here's what I can say about the new album from Dizmas: Its a good listen in that it does sound good, with solid production and able performances, but, well, it sounds like everybody else. Check out the Infuze review here:

Tension - Dizmas

Review: The Kid EP - Identity Relief

2007-09-25T20:48:00.000-04:00

I tend to shy away from Christian indie artists because, at least in the experiences I've had, they tend to be less than listenable. Weak production and even lesser lyricism and musicianship tend to be the norm. It's not a good thing for the Christian community. Yet, as of late, I've found myself pleasantly surprised at the good to come out of that very same niche. One such artist is Identity Relief, based out of Birmingham and bringing an eclectic and encouraging voice to the musical community. Check out the Infuze review here:

The Kid EP - Identity Relief

Review: Determined - CO3

2007-09-25T20:43:00.000-04:00

Country music has always had a decent standing within the Christian community until there is an attempt to make a "Christian country" album. At that point, things tend to get a little weird and the community as a whole has not really embraced many new artists to the genre. CO3 isn't going to break that mold. Talented fellas but just not enough wow factor to break through in my opinion. Here's the Infuze review:

Determined - CO3

Review: Goin' Home - A Tribute to Fats Domino

2007-09-25T20:38:00.001-04:00

Most folks from my generation only know Fats Domino from the occasional snippet of his that gets played in a few films or from watching re-runs of Happy Days. Yet, Fats was one of the early innovators of rock 'n roll and lent a great voice to the town of New Orleans as well. This collection is a mixed bag but brings a nice sense of reminiscence along with monies that go to a good cause. Check out the Stereo Subversion review here:

Goin' Home: A Tribute to Fats Domino - Various Artists

A Conversation With Tyler

2007-09-25T20:21:00.000-04:00

At the house:

Me: Tyler! Want to go to the store with me to buy some ice cream?
Tyler: Sure! Let me put my shoes on!

In the car on the way:

Me: So Tyler...We're going to go someplace special tomorrow.
Tyler: You mean today?
Me: No, tomorrow. We're gonna go someplace special tomorrow.
Tyler: Tomorrow is today.
Me: No. Listen. What's the sun doing right now? Going down?
Tyler: Yeah.
Me: Well, when the sun comes back up again it's tomorrow.
Tyler: And then we're going to the special place?
Me: Yes! After school.
Tyler: I want my Mommy...
Me: Mommy's going to go too, Tyler!
Tyler: What special place?
Me: It's a place called Orlando. We're going to visit one of Daddy's good friends.
Tyler: Tonight?
Me: No! Tomorrow...
Tyler: So we're going to Orlando now?
Me: No! We're going to get ice cream!!!!!!!!!!!

Dreams, Goals, and Reality

2007-09-24T21:37:00.001-04:00

The past several weeks and I might even say, months, have found me pondering the ideas of dreams and goals and, yes, reality. It's funny how many dreams we have when we're growing up. I remember wanting to be a fireman (who didn't!), an astronaut, and more. There were so many dreams then and they all seem so far away now. What is it about time that steals away our propensity to dream? Is it that we find ourselves suddenly adults, with responsibilities and jobs and the like that causes us to lay our dreams aside to simply pay the piper? Or is it something more, perhaps even something more sinister that sneaks in to steal our hearts and drive us to monotony?

I'm not really sure of the answer but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's a hybrid of both. It's true that some of our dreams fall prey to others and that the golden age of adulthood often finds us more disillusioned than inspired. Yet, I also believe that we do wrestle against things that are unseen, and that this particular enemy is not thrilled with us pursuing our dreams. He'd rather us lie listless, unimaginative, and virtually dead. I also think that many times we're our own worse enemy, allowing negative thoughts and those ideas of "I'm too old" or "I'm past that stage of my life" to derail us from some things that we truly crave.

As I've pondered this, I've sat back and tried to recapture some of those dreams of my youth and to really ask myself what dreams I have now, if any. In places that I haven't found any, I'm trying to reignite my imagination, bringing dreams to bear. Yet, there are a few older dreams that still linger from the past and those I'm silently working to plot a course to fulfill. We are not our age. And, for those of us who call ourselves Christ-followers, we are not necessarily held to the confines of this world either. The sky is the limit where God is concerned. I'm just excited to see what the sky really looks like.

Look Out World...

2007-09-24T21:34:00.001-04:00

...my wife's blogging now! After watching me keep up this incessant task, Erin has finally decided to try out the dynamic world of online journaling. Check her out here:

Erin Greenhalgh

The Shuffle Resurfaces...

2007-09-19T20:11:00.000-04:00

Okay, for those regular readers...Alright, so I'm probably the most regular reader of this thing but, just in case there is one more of you out there, I know you're probably getting sick of this somewhat pointless exercise of tracking my itunes shuffle. Yet, this is my blog and not yours. So suck it up. I'm still in the process of uploading music and just recently surpassed 9118 songs. Holy crap! That's spooky! But, I digress. So, without further ado, here's the new shuffle:

1.) "Battling Kings" - VeggieTales, from the album, The Incredible Singing Christmas Tree

2.) "Something's Got a Hold on Me" - Etta James, from the album, Etta James: Her Best

3.) "O Holy Night" - Celene Dion, from the album, Now That's What I Call Christmas Vol. 2

4.) "There is Healing in His Hands" - Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir, from the album, Live...With Friends

5.) "You Thought Wrong" - Kelly Clarkson, from the album, Thankful

6.) "While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks" - Andrew Peterson, from the album, Behold the Lamb of God

7.) "The Christmas Spirit" - Johnny Cash, from the album, Christmas With Johnny Cash

8.) "Boy Tell the World" - Apologetix, from the album, Adam Up

9.) "Wonderful Christmastime" - Jars of Clay, from the album, Christmas Songs

10.) "Maranatha" - Lisa Gerrard & Patrick Cassidy, from the album, Immortal Memory

11.) "Will You Marry Me?" - Lauren Talley, from the album, Lauren Talley

12.) "Love Moves in Mysterious Ways" - Michael English, from the album, Hope

13.) "My Christmas" - Brett Williams and In Reach, from the album, Christmas on the Rock

14.) "If God Didn't Care" - Jake Hess, from the album, Jus' Jake

15.) "Summertime is Past and Gone" - Elvis Presley, Carl Perkins, Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Cash, from the album, The Complete Million Dollar Quartet Recordings

Weird how the Christmas stuff keeps popping up even though it's clearly the minority in there...

This is Great Stuff...

2007-09-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

I really enjoy Dan Kimball's stuff. He's probably the guy that I most identify with within the emergent conversation, largely because he sees things from a fairly moderate perspective. His latest blogpost speaks of the new series that they're starting. This is gonna be good stuff. I'd just really like to be a fly on the wall. Check it out:

Don't Be a "Christian": Exchanging Religion for the Mission of God

Out of Darkness...Hope?

2007-09-18T20:37:00.001-04:00

Just thought I'd toss in a bit of personal commentary here, albeit mysterious and noncommittal as well. Things in my life have been, well, somewhat of a toss-up as of late, particularly along the lines of the spiritual and whatnot. Let's just suffice it to say that there are early indications of a break in the clouds. Keep your fingers crossed...

Review: The Needles The Space - Straylight Run

2007-09-18T20:33:00.000-04:00

Excellent. Solid. Great. Just a few simple words to describe this release by indie darlings Straylight Run. This one is well worth a few spins on your ipod. Here's the Stereo Subversion review:

The Needles The Space - Straylight Run

Wow...

2007-09-12T20:21:00.000-04:00

This picture from PostSecret really resonated with me today. Check out the PostSecret site for some amazing art and confessions. It's a very powerful and very interesting experiment!

Sports Passions Gone Awry

2007-09-12T07:34:00.001-04:00

Even as a fan, I'll never understand this kind of mentality...

Football Rivalry Sparks Bloody Skirmish

Vision and Initiative

2007-09-10T21:08:00.000-04:00

Just last week, on a proposed "date night", my wife and I found ourselves having an emotionally draining and difficult discussion. Much of our conversation centered upon aspects of our current life. Neither of us really feels that this is where our "five-year-plan" really initially aimed for, especially as relates to my current situation. The honest truth is that I'm working a dead-end job that has no real potential nor significant financial contribution even. The result is that we're a bit on the poor side and find ourselves stressed not only by the monetary strain but also by the emotional, physical, spiritual, and whatever else side weaves it's way within.

On the other side of that coin is my struggle with the Church. Some may question how this plays a part in the discussion but it's truly integrated, especially given that at one time my desire was to work from within the Church, serving in that capacity. Now, I'm not so sure that I fit there anymore and that leaves things in a bit of a lurch. The thing that I honestly had to unpack to Erin was simply the uncertainty I have regarding the future right now and that "I really don't know what to do."

So, with this dialogue as fuel last week, I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying, and contemplating on our past, present, and future. And the conclusion that I've come to as of late is that I need to honestly ask myself what my dreams are, what my goals are, where my desires lie. This sounds like a simple thing, and for many it is, but for me, it's a dangerous question. I desperately want to be in the will of God and also want to be fulfilled in the career path I choose. And while I understand that the two will go hand in hand, the road down the path is a slippery and scary one for me. I'm afraid that I'll find myself trudging down a predictable path of financial security, which is not necessarily a bad thing, yet laying aside my heart and life. I am petrified of working for work's sake, of slaving over something that I don't believe in. That's part of my current frustration, particularly as over the years I've come to resent much of the Christian retail market.

And through all of that, I'm asking myself questions. What are my dreams now? What are my goals? What are my talents? And, perhaps most importantly, how can I utilize them to truly achieve those things I dream about? I don't know the answers to these questions yet but, somewhere deep down inside, I feel like I'm starting out on the right path for the first time in a long time.

Review: Manifesto - Pocket Full of Rocks

2007-09-10T21:01:00.000-04:00

A couple years ago I found my ears tuned into the worship from this new group Pocket Full of Rocks. There main claim to fame was having penned a song that CCM hero Michael W. Smith had covered but their debut had some soaring vocals and compelling tunes. So, I was interested to see what would happen the second time around. Unfortunately, PFOR hit the sophomore slump this time around and created an album that is a little too CCM friendly for this boy. Here's the INFUZE review:

Manifesto - Pocket Full of Rocks

Guilty Pleasure Delight

2007-09-10T20:36:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I've been sort of lax with this whole desert island gem/guilty pleasure posting thing that I'm sure all four of you were anxiously waiting to read each day. I apologize. It's entirely my fault and there's really nothing I can say. But, suffice it to say, I'm going to try and do better. Consider this post a step toward redemption.

Anyway, I'm going to shift things a little bit here, just because I can, and share a bit of a guilty pleasure that I've partaken of ever since I was a wee little lad. For the unaware, although I'm pretty sure that those who may stumble upon this are already aware, I grew up in the South. On top of that, I grew up in a family that was really proud it was from the South. My folks were and are die-hard civil war buffs who can expound upon just about every battle, every general, and every nook and cranny that holds the remotest possible interest from that hallowed time. We were southern cooking folk, indulging in bacon, fried chicken, and the like as a holy ritual. We were Hee Haw and Dukes of Hazzard folk, and to tell the truth, I still long to take a ride in the General Lee. And to top it all off, we fell, really as a family, for the charms of one bumbling yet lovable Ernest P. Worrell.

If the name doesn't strike an immediate chord in your mind, you've apparently grown up somewhere else. For us, Ernest was the best of slapstick low-brow comedy, with hilarity ensuing in films like Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, and the holiday favorite, Ernest Saves Christmas. Jim Varney's "Aw shucks" hilarity and pratfalls made this ole' southern boy laugh many a time and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Now, having grown and matured and developed a taste for cinematic features that are perhaps a bit more avant garde, perhaps a bit more respected, I realize that I really shouldn't like Ernest. But I can't help it. I'm only broken hearted that there'll be no more from Ernest since the untimely passing of Jim Varney in 2000.

But, Ernest will forever live on in my thoughts and memories as a great character. So, I present to you yet another one of my guilty pleasures, Mr. Ernest P. Worrell:

Review: The Storm - Travis Tritt

2007-09-07T07:33:00.000-04:00

I've been a Travis Tritt fan for a long time. I don't have a big collection of his records but I've always been a fan of that blues-infused country twang that the country star always put to good use. His last album, while holding a few gems, left a little to be desired, especially with topical yet bad call tracks like "The Girl's Gone Wild". Apparently, his record company felt the same way and Tritt found himself now an indie artist. The result is The Storm, a mixed bag of results, some solidly good, others not so. Here's the INFUZE review:

The Storm - Travis Tritt

Wednesday's Prayer

2007-09-07T07:25:00.000-04:00

This past Wednesday, we went to our church's monthly mid-week service, appropriately called "First Wednesday". This was my one-sided dialogue with God.

"I've lost the sense of experience that should accompany worship. As I write, I listen to one gentleman behind me praising spontaneously; beside me one of the pastors falls to his knees, arms raised in abject worship, tears flowing freely. I don't have that. I know what You've done, I know that You've shown us the Way, The Way of peace and love. But, I don't know. I guess maybe I'm bitter...But I don't really think it's that. I truly think that maybe it's just...Well, I was going to say afraid, and that's part of it, afraid of being hurt, of being so deeply wounded by that which I truly love so dearly. But it's even more than that. Some days I even question You! Your grace once fit into a system; it made sense. But as I grow, as I get older and reflect more, I'm confused. I mean, and You know I've been thinking about this lately, but my greatest sins have come after my so-called "salvation". My iniquity has been in full view of You and, truthfully, I've known better. And, here's the kicker, I know I'm forgiven. I even, to some degree, know You love me. But God, as fucking childlike as it sounds, I want to feel it! And as I sit here now, with my wife I know wanting peace for me, I long for You! But, I'm just not sure this is even me anymore."

Review: It's Not Big It's Large - Lyle Lovett and His Large Band

2007-09-04T21:17:00.000-04:00

I've been a fan of Lyle Lovett's "Aw shucks" brand of country for some time now and was excited to see a new release come. Fairly gospel in nature, this release continues the artist's great flow of minimalist songwriting and compelling instrumentation, coupled with a keen sense of humor that is always aided by Lovett's simple humility. Good stuff. Here's the INFUZE review:

It's Not Big It's Large - Lyle Lovett and His Large Band

The Spirituality of BBQ

2007-09-04T20:55:00.001-04:00

From my earliest memories, I can recall eating barbecue. Growing up, such things as barbecued ribs, barbecued chicken, smoked mullet, and more were fair game on our dinner table. Even burgers and hot dogs were given the charcoal treatment quite a bit. And all in all, it's made a lasting impression on me. While some call a pot roast and veggies or a big Thanksgiving turkey comfort food, barbecue is my sweet comfort. And while I worked toward preparing some for dinner the other night, I found myself considering the spiritual allegory of good barbecue.

Now, when I speak of good barbecue in this sense, I'm talking about the school of "low and slow". We're speaking the language of smoked ribs, chicken, brisket, and butts. And incidentally my choice this fine day was a nice Boston butt roast. I spent the evening before slathering it in a dry rub, massaging the meat with the spicy rub until it took on the maroon color. Then it was into the fridge for the night. In the meantime, I prepped my grill and had things ready so I could get an early start.

Early came, well, early and I lit the charcoal at 5 that morning. By 5:30 AM the butt was on the grill, over indirect heat and beginning to absorb a unique combination of mesquite and hickory smoke. This continued all day, maintaining a base temperature of about 220-240 degrees and ensuring that there were always fresh wood chips on top in order to generate that much coveted smoke. I watched throughout the day as the meat took on a dark, almost black hue yet was still tender and nice to the touch. Carefully I'd baste it about once an hour with a simple blend that ensured a moist end result. This continued until about 6 PM when I finally relented and pulled the meat from the grill.

The payoff was instant. After allowing the roast a few minutes to rest and to allow the juices to redistribute throughout the meat, I took a couple of forks and began pulling the meat apart in order to make pulled pork. It fell off in juicy, tender ribbons of flesh, filling the room with a, dare I say, heavenly aroma. Every nose in the house perked up at the sweet smell coming from the kitchen as I pulled, pulled, pulled that beautiful barbecue into shreds. Finally, we sat down to eat and to partake of a hard day's work. Let it suffice to say, it was well worth my time.

But as I went through these motions last week, I truly did see spiritual parallels between barbecue and life. It may be that I've too much time on my hands but, well, that's my perogative, isn't it? But consider this: Barbecue begins with preparation, with an intentional move toward preparing the food and allowing it to develop, to season and take on the flavors of the rub. This is in many ways like our spiritual infancy, as we build ourselves up in study of the Bible, through prayer, and acts of service. Once the meat is on the grill, things require steadfastness and care, as one takes care to ensure a proper temperature and must tend to the meat as needed as well. Plus, a keen sense of patience must be held onto as the process of cooking takes place over hours and hours. A lesser person might just want to throw it in a Crock Pot for a couple of hours! And like our spiritual lives, we too find ourselves needing to simply tend carefully to the simple things, working out our salvation in the day to day as we wait for that moment when things will make more sense. In that time, we must be patient and considerate of those things which take place around us. Finally, we're allowed to remove the meat, to carve it for service, and to partake of it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to find the spiritual parallel there, now does it?

Anyway, I just thought it was interesting as I cooked that day. It is a beautiful process and one that I look forward to doing again soon!

Review: DoorWay - Ron Block

2007-09-04T07:35:00.001-04:00

I've been a longtime fan of Alison Krauss and Union Station and was pleasantly surprised a few years ago when member Ron Block released a faith-infused solo effort. Block turned out to be more than a stellar instrumentalist and showcased some solid songwriting in addition to offering his musical skills. DoorWay is his latest effort and it is no less compelling, with a very intelligent and yet accessible set of themes. It's good stuff. Here's the INFUZE review:

DoorWay - Ron Block

Violence in Film

2007-09-03T07:30:00.000-04:00

Here's an intriguing post from Rick Bennett regarding the use of violence in film. He articulates some of the things that I've slowly been coming to grips with as of late. It's a good read. Here's the link:

So Can a Pacifist Like The Departed?

Answered Prayer?

2007-08-30T07:07:00.000-04:00

For the better part of my life, I've lived and been part of an institution that I've always felt was in need of improvement. While generally being a "glass is half-full" kind of guy with the other elements of life, my time in churches has always been stressed by my desire to think through and analyze things, seeking to grow and to change. Plus, it didn't hurt that I grew up in a really conservative "KJV-only" kind of church and then moved on to a Southern Baptist congregation as a youth pastor. These are not the sort of people generally given, and I realize I'm painting with a wide brush, to innovation and change. During those days, I remember having sundry conversations with friends in which I wrestled with and lamented the state of "The Church" and longed for change. Like many young people in similar circumstances, my initial prayers and frustrations stemmed from externals, worship styles, perceived dress codes, and such. But, while these still remained concerns, as I grew older and in knowledge, more and more, deeper elements of thought came into play and I realized that what was needed was not a facelift but, pardon the cheesy phrase, a heartlift.

Fast forward to the present. Recently, my family and I joined a church after about three years or so of floating. Our floating came at the difficult end of four years of youth ministry, a story that I believe I've documented at an earlier time. In those years, I continued to pray, to think, and to deconstruct and I can honestly say that my thoughts and views have changed quite a bit from the past. Which makes our current situation a bit unique.

Our new home at Bayside Community Church is one that, five years ago, would have been a dream come true. It's a growing, thriving, young church with passionate leaders and rousing worship times. The pastor is a dynamic personality, speaking generally on topics that are readily applicable. My son loves his church time and is just jazzed every time he sees the hyperactive children's pastor. They pray for other churches in the area, which to me is a beautiful thing. Relationships are touted and encouraged left and right and the small group ministry is pitched as the hub of the church. A legitimate evening of prayer even frames the week for the church, allowing members and church leaders to come together in intercession for personal requests and the local community. These are all great things.

Yet, as I've said, a lot has occurred in the last couple of years. Truthfully, I've lost a lot of faith in the current state of church and particularly in churches as large as Bayside. It's an unfair assessment as people seem to generally be getting a lot out of things but I can't help feeling frustrated. My training from college as well as reading and thinking I've done about the state of both Christianity and the Church has me wrestling with so many elements within. I've even found myself questioning the use of disposable plastic cups for the Saturday evening pizza they serve after service as a reflection of how we view environmental concerns. Sometimes I think I've just flipped my lid and others I generally wonder if I've lost my faith. I don't possess the same fervor as I once did but I'm not sure that I want to feel that way again. I want genuine, authentic, passionate community that oozes depth and the glory of the goodness of God.

So, I continue to struggle, both with myself, with the church, and even with my wife. Yet, I can't seem to turn off my mind when it comes to these topics. I'm not intentionally trying to do this. I just can't get away from my thoughts of how things could be and wondering if perhaps they should be. I don't know if I'm missing God's blessing of answered prayer or am in a place where I'm called to be a catalyst for change...

Review: Under the Blacklight - Rilo Kiley

2007-08-29T22:20:00.000-04:00

I first became aware, and this shows how naive I was, of Rilo Kiley via Jenny Lewis' solo album with the Watson Twins. That lead me to checking out RK and I was hooked. Yet, this newest release is a little too pop, a little too mainstream feeling for me. Lewis and Co. are far too talented to bow to the sentiments of mainstream radio in this young man's opinion. Here's the Stereo Subversion review:

Under the Blacklight - Rilo Kiley

Quote of the Day

2007-08-29T07:35:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine sent me a rare forward with a bunch of quirky quotes in it. This was my favorite:

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."--Drew Carey

Desert Island Diamond

2007-08-28T21:47:00.000-04:00

Not long ago, I questioned what others might have as their desert island discs, essentially those albums that one would desire to have if you were stranded. At the time, I found it difficult to share my own thoughts on what album or albums I would want to have with me but, inspired by my "guilty pleasures" segment of my blogging fun, I thought I might share some desert island diamonds from my collection as well. So, if my faithful four readers will indulge me, here's today's desert island diamond:

Yes, none other than U2's magnum opus, The Joshua Tree. Featuring a set of songs that range from the deeply spiritual to the compellingly political, Bono and Co. crafted an album that has musically and lyrically stood the test of time. Who could ask for more?

I Heart Fishing

2007-08-28T21:36:00.000-04:00

When I was growing up, fishing was a pasttime that my father and I attempted to share. I was always one who enjoyed rod and reel fishing, particularly freshwater fishing. I loved the peace and quiet and having the opportunity to experience nature, watching the waves lap against the shore or the edge of the boat. I liked keeping my eyes open for all varieties of wildlife that might make themselves seen and really just dug the time with my Dad. My Dad was more of a castnet kind of guy, particularly given his passion for mullet fishing. Sadly, this was something that I never really latched onto. I tried, and to this day if you asked me I could throw a net for you. My problem was seeing the fish. This was not an easy task and, well, to my father's great sadness, I just never quite caught on.

Well, as a short glance down the page will show, my son and I have taken up fishing. I'd forgotten how much I really enjoyed the experience of being outside, of watching my bobber (yes, we're fishing old-school!) float across the surface of that water, and especially of having my son beside me learning. Now Tyler's not necessarily clued in all that well, and he tends to have more fun casting, then handing the pole to me to do the actual fishing so he can down a popsicle or rummage through the tackle box. Either way, I love the time I get to spend with him.

And, tonight, my son caught his first legitimate fish. While we're referring to the pic below as Tyler's actual catch, tonight was the real deal. Granted, it happened sort of by accident, as Tyler was holding the pole for a rare second while I baited our other pole's hook but when the bobber dove under the surface of the water and I hollered for him to reel, Tyler drew in our whopper of the evening. I'm going to say it. I'm a proud papa. I love my son. He's an amazing kid who continues to teach me each and every day. This morning he reminded me that he loves me. I hope he remembers that when he's sixteen...

Guilty Pleasure: Aug. 27th

2007-08-27T21:51:00.000-04:00

Okay, for today's nearly daily installment of Andrew's guilty pleasures from the music collection, we have for you:

I really don't know why. I don't. I guess that I just fell for the gimmick. Plus, I'm not gonna lie, in spite of myself I kind of liked Troy's guest spots on Big & Rich's first album. Sue me. Either way, you've gotta admit that this is catchy, even if you don't know what the heck it means.

An Energy Crisis Averted

2007-08-27T15:49:00.000-04:00

With the very real threat of global warming and the depletion of our natural resources looming over our heads, a frantic search has begun for environmentally friendly and sustainable energy sources. Some have long touted the value of harnessing the wind for power. Others still have supported the technology behind solar panels that capture the power of the sun. Others still have come forward as of late to speak highly of the value of fuels like ethanol and other such naturally-derived sources. Ladies and gentlemen, we have an announcement to make. Our search is over! Let the world rejoice! I have discovered a power that few can rival. Let me share it with you.

Just this past weekend, to celebrate my son Tyler's fifth birthday, we headed off to that local bastion of birthday bonanzas, none other than Chuck E. Cheese. While there, I sat and watched a hyperactive buzz of activity, as children, and mine among them, flitted here, there, and everywhere fueled simply by copious amounts of watered-down Sprite, cotton candy, and sub-par pizza. A small birthday cake also factored into the mix but the engine was at full speed long before it made it's arrival. And, as I sat there, cringing from the noise and anxiously awaiting the end of the coveted tokens, it came to me. Chuck E. Cheese, for all it's kitsch, is sitting on top of the cure for our energy woes. Consider the simple elements listed above to fuel the kids. Those are readily available and simple enough to provide. No problem there. And kids? Kids will always flock to establishments like the Chuck E. Cheese simply because it's really the place where a kid can be a kid. All that's left to do is to figure out a way to harness that mad crazy energy. Perhaps the innovators behind the film Monsters, Inc. have some input here?

Fishing in the Back Yard

2007-08-27T07:41:00.000-04:00

Review: Unglamorous - Lori McKenna

2007-08-24T11:45:00.000-04:00

Some artists just deserve to be heard and Lori McKenna is one of them. Having had songs covered by some serious A-list country stars like Sara Evans and Faith Hill, the thirtysomething mother of five is finally getting her shot at the big time and it's near a bullseye. Honest, soulful, and unpretentious, this is a good one. Here's the review I did for Stereo Subversion:

Unglamorous - Lori McKenna

Should've Taken the Blue Pill

2007-08-24T10:37:00.000-04:00

This week Erin and I have been re-watching the Wachowski brothers great Matrix movies. Now, I'm with most of you and agree that the series did nothing but go downhill after the first film but, well, the special effects are really cool and even if the plots tended to be a little too sketchy, there were some intriguing points of philosophy to ponder while watching Keanu pound some bad guys. So, we've been watching them and I'm struck by some of the parallels to my current situation.

Now, I realize this is not a new thing. The whole core of the Matrix reasoning is that we're living in a world that is not ours, that is lacking our control and is one that we desire to get out of, or at least should. Many and far more intelligent people have discussed these ideas and pondered the ins and outs of the whole philosophy. Yet, I'm taking it from a personal point and am attempting to see myself within the framework. As I've done so, I realize that at one point, I was all about the path of Neo. I wanted to emerge from the goopy goo with things blasting out of my arms and back, rise in knowledge of the Matrix, and take down the Source. Doing so would bring freedom, enlightenment, and, hopefully, peace in Zion.

The spiritual allusions here are tough to miss. And most would align the battle as being against the Devil and his minions as we've fought to overcome our sin and whatnot. There is something to this thinking but, more and more, some of us have found our battles to be waged against more than that old adversary. For some of us, the thinking of the modern world, the machine-like empirical processes and utilitarian ways of old, and particularly within our frameworks of faith known as churches, have been the source of war and conflict. Our battles have been waged over theology and complacency, seeking to align what we know of this world with the world that Jesus promised us it could be.

This thinking and pondering and internal battling has led me to a new thought regarding the Matrix characters. I now feel some sense of compassion for the one known as Cypher. Cypher, as you'll recall, was the one who played the Judas role in the film, betraying the prophetic Morpheus into the hands of the Agents and attempting to kill everyone else in the process. Cypher had tired of the battle. He longed for peace, for rest, and for the taste of a marvelous steak, even if he knew it wasn't real. Now, it's easy for us to point fingers, to mock and scorn this evil character but we must be careful. Because I'm damn weary. Some days I long for the innocence of my fundamentalist upbringing, for the black and white world where no gray areas existed. I long for rest of mind, body, and soul.

Yet, then I'm reminded that this way of thinking, that all is black and white and oh-so-easily identifiable, is the reason the world is in the shape that it is in. And then I'm reminded of the challenges of Christ, who calls us to a Kingdom of love, of peace, and of justice. This kingdom imagery fills my mind with wonder and delight and I realize that I cannot return nor do I wish to. I'm in this for the long haul. If only I could do kung fu too....

Simply Amazing...

2007-08-23T17:03:00.001-04:00

I caught this article on AOL News this afternoon. He's fifty-nine, for God's sake! I can only hope to have as much energy and moxie as this guy if I make it that far!

Here's the link: 59-year-old Makes College Cut

Guilty Pleasures

2007-08-23T07:37:00.000-04:00

While this is not a particularly original idea, I thought that I might run with it. While uploading my music collection into my computer and itunes, I've found that I've got a lot of music. Now, I'm not going to lie and say that I am never a music snob. Ask my wife and she'll tell you the truth about that. But, alas, I'm not perfect. Like everyone, my musical tastes have grown and matured over the years but, throughout that time, I've amassed a few, shall we say, guilty pleasures. These guilty pleasures need to be seen in a proper context and understanding, i.e. I was in fifth grade and this was the coolest song out then!, but they're in the collection nonetheless. And yes, I'll take the lumps for liking them, no matter how bad they are. So, for my faithful four readers, I thought I'd share, maybe day by day, maybe week by week, most likely by how much time I have and how much I remember it, a guilty pleasure disc from my collection. I hope you enjoy. Feel free to make fun.

Today's guilty pleasure is: Michael Bolton's My Secret Passion! Please be gentle...

Review: Mentor Tormentor - Earlimart

2007-08-22T08:19:00.000-04:00

These guys just might be one of the best bands that you haven't heard of, yet. Earlimart brings some very unique sounds to this album and ends up with a great record. Stay tuned in a few weeks for an interview with Earlimart as well! Here's the INFUZE review:

Mentor Tormentor - Earlimart

Thirty-One

2007-08-21T16:02:00.000-04:00

Yup, you read that right. In just about twenty or so minutes, I'll cross that irreversible moment in time where I move from the ill-fated thirty to thirty one. For so many, moving from their twenties into the land of thirtysomethings is the tough transition. I'm different for some reason. Thirty, while a bit weighty, was pretty much a breeze. But shifting into thirty-one? Now that's a different story.

I'm not entirely sure why that is but I think a lot of it has to deal with the fact that I'm in a place that I didn't see on my coveted ten-to-fifteen year plan out of high school. Oh, sure, I've checked off a few things that were on the list, things like getting married and having a few munchkins but, well, I guess I just didn't see things panning out this way so far. I mean, I suppose I had these thoughts of, say, home ownership or, well, maybe a fulfilling career. Thus far, nada. Plus, I've had to go back and erase points that I thought I'd achieved, points of certainty and of having things figured out. It turns out, the older I get, the less I'm really certain of.

One thing I am certain of is that I do love my family, my friends, and my God. That God looks a little different in my mind than perhaps He once did but I still cherish that relationship. And my kids and my wife make the world for me. As I watch them grow, in ways both physical and otherwise, it challenges, frightens, and encourages me to be a part of their lives. I don't know, maybe thirty-one will bring a much needed breath of fresh air. Maybe it'll bring more crap that I didn't plan on. Either way, I'm sure it can only be more interesting...

Just an FYI...Here's some folks that share/have shared my Aug. 21st b'day:

Count Basie

Gene Roddenberry

Joe Strummer

Kim Cattrall

Jim McMahon

Carrie-Anne Moss

Take that August 19th!

Interesting...

2007-08-21T08:27:00.000-04:00

72%

Ht: Marko

Review: Theology - Sinead O'Connor

2007-08-21T08:21:00.000-04:00

I remember hearing Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U" over and over and over as a young adolescent. Images of her shaved dome were everywhere and, outside of mimicking her unique vocal inflection, not much was to be really taken seriously. Yet, a lot has occurred for the artist and for me in the years since then and we've both grown. O'Connor's newest album has caused buzz in both mainstream and Christian circles and is very worthy of a long listen. Here's the review I did for Stereo Subversion:

Theology - Sinead O'Connor

The Slow Lane

2007-08-18T08:10:00.000-04:00

If you're anything like we are, you tend to live your life at breakneck speed, wired and wishing for some peace and quiet. I was pondering this a few months back and wrote up a small piece on it and sent it along to the folks at Relevant Magazine. They liked it and decided to run it on the site. Check it out:

Life in the Slow Lane

I Never Knew...

2007-08-16T19:00:00.000-04:00

I AM 76% OPTIMUS PRIME

Take the Transformers Quiz

Desert Island Discs

2007-08-16T08:25:00.000-04:00

I was reading this book review on Paste Magazine's site the other day and I got me to thinking, "What is my desert island disc?" Of course, I knew that one would not be sufficient so I'm going to allow myself five, just because in the event of a plane crash, tidal wave, or sinking ship, I'm pretty damn confident that I'd be able to grab at least that many before falling into utter hysteria. And, well, I'm not that sure of what they are just yet. But, just for kicks, I thought I'd ask my faithful four readers (maybe we've lost one, added another, hmm?) what their seminal albums were? What are the albums that just make you quiver even today? What five would you take on a desert island?

The article itself goes on to discuss something else, namely the push of technology and the endangerment of albums as a whole. With the digital age and the ability to pick and choose songs, we're in serious danger of loosing classic art pieces like The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper" or Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. So, I ask you another question: What is that life changing album or two that you've had? What was that album that you heard and you knew that the world was going to be all right because this music existed within it? I really am curious to hear some responses. Wonder if anyone will?

He Just Won't Wipe

2007-08-15T21:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, don't let the headline scare you away. This will actually make sense. Last night I wandered into the bedroom to brush my teeth and prepare for bed when I happened a glance into the toilet. I was greeted with an image that I'll simply leave to your imagination but suffice it to say that it aligns itself with a number slightly more than "one". I recalled, at this pivotal moment, Tyler running into the living room after he'd been put to bed in order to inform us of his need to "go potty". (By the way, that's one of the key elements to knowing you're a parent: using the word "potty") I had thought little of it, and was actually a little proud when he did that as we're still battling with Pull-Ups. His acknowledgement of needing to go while in bed was a good thing. But the picture greeting me in the bowl was not.

Most conspicuous was the lack of any toilet paper floating in the water. I sighed. This, sadly, is not particularly unusual. Tyler has an unfortunate penchant for speeding in and out of the bathroom without stopping for that critical moment of clean-up. It's a difficult thing for us to deal with as parents but, we're dealing. I shook my head, flushed the toilet, and headed to bed.

Later, though, as I lay there, I began to think a bit about that situation. Why does Tyler have a problem with doing that? Is it just, well, gross, to him? I could see that. Truthfully, are any of us particularly jazzed about that act? Sure, it's necessary but it's really not all that, exciting. It's a dirty, nasty job, but as the old adage goes, somebody's got to do it. Hmmm.

Sometimes I think my life is like this. I am not one to shy away from a tough job, but sometimes I don't want to get down in the muck and mire. Even more so, as I wrestle with reimagining issues of theology and apply them to life, I see myself compelled to dip down into the muck of society, to associate with those that I don't see eye to eye with, and whose lives are, at least seemingly, different than mine. Truthfully, one of the toughest areas for me to deal with this as of late has been in my interactions with fellow Christians, especially at church. It's ironic, really, that having grown up in church I now feel more an outsider than before. I'm not really sure how to deal with it but, the one thing I feel certain of, is that I'm going to have to dig in and grin and bear it. I love the Church, but sometimes the people that are part of it drive me crazy. Either way, I'm taking along a lot of Charmin.

You Be Hating..?

2007-08-14T08:27:00.000-04:00

I'll never stop being amazed at the perception and intuition of our little ones. As my son was preparing to head out the door with his grandmother to go to preschool, here's the conversation that transpired:

Tyler: "Daddy, are you going to go to work today?"
Me: "Yeah, Daddy's going to go get ready in just a minute."
Tyler: "Are you be hating it?"
Me (a little taken aback but honest): "Yeah, some days Daddy does."
Tyler, walking out the door w/Mee-Maw: "Daddy be hating his work..."

It's a dark thing, a painful thing, and a weird thing to acknowledge that this is true. I've hit the place in my "professional career" where I really hate my job. Now, I don't hate the people and I don't even hate the work all the time but I hate the fact that it's just not, well, me. I don't feel complete in what I'm doing. As I spoke with a distant friend recently about this, he put it succinctly: "You're not buying what you're selling." Yup, kids, thats about the size of it.

While acknowledging a place for Christian retail, I realize that I personally am fed up with it. I'm tired of Jesus fish, Jesus shirts, Jesus lamps, and all other assorted and sundry Jesus junk. I believe that we are feeding into the already materialistic and consumer-crazed monolith that is already wreaking havoc on our society and I am tired of being a part of it. At least thats the big ideaological side of it. The other side of the picture is that I don't feel, and I hate to use this word but, called, or perhaps a better word is fulfilled, in what I'm doing there. I feel as though I'm sitting on both knowledge and talent without the forum to use them there and it's driving me crazy. So, yes, I guess, at least some days, I "be hating it."

Thinking About Systems

2007-08-13T21:15:00.000-04:00

Recently, as the headline says, I've been pondering the power of systems. I'm going to try and explain what I'm talking about but I fear that I'll fall far short of what I'm really trying to get at unlike. Undoubtedly, I've some friends who could put this into words a bit better as they're a hair farther down the road than I but I'm going to give it the old college try.

What I've been working at, I suppose, is a bit of good 'ole deconstruction. It hasn't been a conscious decision, at least initially, but now I've sort of acknowledged it and have run with it. Let me give an example of what I'm talking about. Many, if not most of us, deal with things in the short term. We get up, shower, do whatever else it takes to get ready, head to work, slave in the office, fight our way home to play with our kids and eat dinner and rest up so we can do it all again. The trick comes when we begin to fine tune the lens a bit, to magnify things to point out certain details. One such detail that's really stood out to me as of late surrounds the concepts of ecology and sustainability.

For the better part of my life, I've used plastic, styrofoam, and whatever other materials I've needed because they served my needs. They eliminated the need for doing dishes, saved me time, and just simplified my life. Good stuff, right? However, as I've pondered systems, I've come to think of things a bit differently. Yes, these conveniences might aid me in the short term, but what am I becoming complicit in? Is my use of such materials having any sort of negative effect on the world? And, to take it a step further, is my engagement of such things honoring or neglecting the faith I claim to hold?

Now, this seems a simple issue. Life is busy, hectic, and maddening at times. These products are cheap and provide a handy service. But, I have to deconstruct things and say that while, sure, they provide a service, they also promote many negatives. What negatives? Well, let's begin with the ecological expense, from the simple decomposition rates as well as the environmental footprint left to simply dispose of it. Then back up even further and consider the fact that if we keep on this way, we're gonna need more which is going to necessitate the production of more and more which will release how many more harmful toxins into our air and ecosystem, leaving a less-than-wonderful world for my children to inherit. Again, taking it that step further, what does it say about me that I'm more apt to be a consumer than one who is taking God's creation seriously, honoring it and seeking to beautify and add to it as opposed to poison it?

This is just one system that I've been mentally deconstructing, "in my free time." There are clearly more that my mind has touched on, political, religious, theological, and more. But this is a healthy process, I believe, one that will open me up to more possibilities as to what the world may hold.

Stereo Subversion Goes Live!

2007-08-13T08:22:00.000-04:00

My latest adventure has been being a part of Stereo Subversion, a new website devoted to "meaningful music", that just went live today. We're all about finding music that, well, is meaningful, regardless of race, color, creed, and genre. I'm sure you get the picture. I'm pretty excited to be a part of this new thing and so are the rest of us. So, check us out. Tell your friends. Add us to your MySpace friends. Do all that sort of good stuff and stay tuned for more and more. As a matter of fact, why don't you check it out right now? Here's the link:

Stereo Subversion

Sick to My Stomach

2007-08-12T07:45:00.000-04:00

I ran across this story on AOL News this morning and it just made my heart sick. This is the sort of thing that just makes me want to run away and to separate myself from this crowd. Give it a read and let me know what you think.

Church Decision Outrages Family

Lyrics Mirroring Life

2007-08-10T12:54:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those moments when either a new song or an old song pop into your head, perfectly capturing the moment of life you're in? Here's mine today:

We Gotta Get Out of This Place - The Animals

In this dirty old part of the city

Where the sun refused to shine

People tell me there ain't no use in tryin'

Now my girl you're so young and pretty

And one thing I know is true

You'll be dead before your time is due, I know

Watch my daddy in bed a-dyin'

Watched his hair been turnin' grey

He's been workin' and slavin' his life away

Oh yes I know it (Yeah!)

He's been workin' so hard (Yeah!)

I've been workin' too, baby (Yeah!)

Every night and day (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!)

We gotta get out of this place

If it's the last thing we ever do

We gotta get out of this place

'cause girl, there's a better life for me and you

Now my girl you're so young and pretty

And one thing I know is true, yeah

You'll be dead before your time is due, I know it

Watch my daddy in bed a-dyin'

Watched his hair been turnin' grey, yeah

He's been workin' and slavin' his life away

I know he's been workin' so hard (Yeah!)

I've been workin' too, baby (Yeah!)

Every day baby (Yeah!)

Whoa! (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!)

We gotta get out of this place

If it's the last thing we ever do

We gotta get out of this place

Girl, there's a better life for me and you

Somewhere baby, somehow I know it

We gotta get out of this place

If it's the last thing we ever do

We gotta get out of this place

Girl, there's a better life for me and you

Believe me baby I know it baby

You know it too

'Nuff said? It's been one of those days.

Review: The Wagonmaster - Porter Wagoner

2007-08-09T21:32:00.000-04:00

Several months ago when I interviewed Marty Stuart, he mentioned working on this project with Porter Wagoner. So, when it released, I had to hunt it down and give it a listen. Simply amazing. Wagoner is clearly one of the statesmen of the genre and Stuart's production coaxes the best out of the near octogenarian. Haunting, powerful, and stirring, Wagoner's Wagonmaster is a classic listen. Here's the Infuze review:

The Wagonmaster - Porter Wagoner

Review: Up Front and Down Low - Teddy Thompson

2007-08-09T08:20:00.000-04:00

I've tended to have a bit of an unreasonable predisposition against those from other countries or backgrounds who have tried to take on country music. Guys like Keith Urban just sort of annoy me. If you speak with an accent like that, country ain't your thing. But I've had to rethink my position after hearing this album from Teddy Thompson which blows me away. A collection of covers and one original, Thompson's taste and delivery are impecible and leave you wanting for more. Here's the Infuze review:

Up Front and Down Low - Teddy Thompson

Review: Remedy - The David Crowder Band

2007-08-08T08:22:00.000-04:00

It's no secret to those who know my musical passions that the DC*B is by far one of my favorite bands out there. On top of that, Crowder himself is just one of the coolest personalities that you'll find in music. Humorous, self-deprecating, insightful, and just downright quirky, the guy makes good music. That's why I was a little disappointed at this new release. It just didn't quite measure up to the lofty expectations I held for it. But, it's still worth a listen. Here's the Infuze review:

Remedy - The David Crowder Band

Review: Chronology V.2 - Third Day

2007-08-08T08:17:00.000-04:00

Back with their second greatest hits compilation in less than a year, this volume documents the latter portion of Third Day's career, which is for me by far the less inspiring end of things. Again packaged as a two-disc set, with one being an audio and the other DVD, the set is good for fans of radio-friendly Christian rock or die-hard Third Day fans. Here's the Infuze review:

Chronology V. 2 - Third Day

Interview: Sherwood

2007-08-07T08:22:00.001-04:00

I recently had the chance to sit down and talk with Joe Greenetz, drummer for the MySpace Records flagship band, Sherwood. The band has worked hard to hone their California-friendly sound and has taken it strong to the masses. A little bit pop, a little bit rock 'n roll, with a generous helping of Beach Boys harmony, and you've got a recipe for success. Read the Infuze interview here:

Interview: Sherwood

itunes shuffle, part 2

2007-08-06T20:40:00.000-04:00

I took a Marko idea not long ago and registered the first fifteen songs that played when putting itunes on shuffle mode. Well, I've spent the past week uploading some of my music collection into my computer, which, to be honest, still hardly scratches the surface, but I'm curious to see how things turn out this time. So, for my enjoyment alone probably, here goes nothing:

1.) "Love is the Last Thing to Go" - Kris Kristofferson, from The Pilgrim

2.) "Perfectly Fitted" - Lori Chaffer, from Songs from the Voice, Vol. 2

3.) "Born in Bethlehem" - Blind Boys of Alabama, from Go Tell it On the Mountain

4.) "Please Don't Tell Me How the Story Ends - Joan Osborne, from Pretty Little Stranger

5.) "When My Blue Moon Turns to Gold Again" - Elvis Presley, from Tiger Man

6.) "The Rock Song" - Sigor Ros

7.) "Old Dollar Mamie" - from the album, Negro Prison Blues and Songs

8.) "This is Now" - 33Miles, from 33Miles

9.) "Not Ready to Make Nice" - Dixie Chicks, from Taking the Long Way

10.) "The Difference (In the Garden of Saint-Anne's-On-the-Hill)" - Kings X, from Gretchen Goes to Nebraska

11.) "It's Beginning to Get to Me" - Snow Patrol, from Eyes Open

12.) "When Tomorrow Comes" - Pillar, from The Reckoning

13.) "Pretty Polly" - Ralph Stanley and Patty Loveless, from All-Star Bluegrass Celebration

14.) "Promised Land" - Elvis Presley, from 2nd to None

15.) "Mary Goes to Jesus" - John Debney, from The Passion of the Christ Soundtrack

Okay, the eclecticism continues. I'd love to see some of yours! Send them along!

Stranger in a Strange Land

2007-08-06T20:20:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been wandering through a strange place, a place that feels as though I have no home. There is nowhere to lay my head, to sit and rest, to call my own. Instead, I feel trapped, insecure, and afraid. The circle of my life swirls around me, dizzying, and I feel overwhelmed. Home holds no rest, no security for it is not mine. Church provides more pain than peace and I find the tears of the past well up within me. Even the most simple of pursuits, work, has become a place where I feel more like a temp than a longtime fixture. It's disconcerting.

One friend has encouraged me to learn my place as a permanent exile/stranger in this land. Still another has exhorted me to rejoice within my pilgrim journey. I've found these to be fitting analogies to where I feel myself going. I do feel exiled from that past I once knew. Parts of me, at times, long for the simplicity of a dogmatic youth, an existence that found peace and contentment within the colors of a black and white world. Yet, the rainbows of the prism have been unleashed within my mind and this is simply not something to be forgotten or cast aside. Yet the longing persists and I hang my head wondering.

It's ironic, really. I haven't, as some may surmise, lost my faith in Christ. Rather, I've lost my faith in Christianity and in many of those who would consider themselves to be it's adherents. The faith I once held dear, that faith of my youth, has been found wanting. The problem comes with the fact that we've stolen the name of Jesus and replaced it with rules, laws, and dogma. We've painted Jesus into a picture of Republican politics, consumer-minded materialism, and bumper sticker religion. I long for a faith that once again plumbs the depths, that touches the hem of the garment of the Divine, and again allows me that sense of peace and fulfillment.

That same friend who referred to me as an exile also exhorted me to stay close to the Sermon on the Mount. Let me leave you with the Beatitudes:

Matthew 5:1-11(NIV) Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Bona Fide

2007-08-06T20:10:00.000-04:00

There's a great moment within the movie, O Brother Where Art Thou, wherein George Clooney's character has a quick discussion with one of his estranged daughters. It goes something like this:

Ulysses Everett McGill: I am the only daddy you got! I'm the damn paterfamilias!
Wharvey Gal: But you ain't bona fide!

Well, unlike Mr. McGill, I've become bona fide. Genuine-like. I am now, officially, a professional freelance writer. Sure, sure, I've made a few dollars via my work on Associated Content but the majority of my work has been done with the sole purpose of getting my name out there, getting some free stuff, and garnering some good practice. But now, ladies and gentlemen, I've actually received a check! Woo hoo!

"From who?" you ask. Well let me tell you. My good friend and Mr. Miyagi-styled editor and writing mentor Matt is taking on a new venture with Stereo Subversion. We're launching the site on August 13th and I can't be more excited. The site is geared around the pursuit and exposure of what we're simply calling meaningful music. Check us out at Stereo Subversion on the 13th! Tell your friends!

Recent Reads

2007-08-06T08:25:00.000-04:00

Ted Dekker is one of the few Christian fictions writers I'll still give a read. Saint is an intriguing read and rivals the pace of Dan Brown or Robert Ludlum. In fact, fans of the Bourne series will find much to enjoy here as I did. Plus, it's quick reading.

Alas, this was a bittersweet read for me. Ever since my dear friend Celena turned me on to reading about Harry and his pals at Hogwarts, I've made short work of the books, devouring my secondhand copies like they were peanut butter sandwiches. I splurged for this latest and last release, largely because I didn't want to have the ending spoiled for me. I wasn't disappointed. Rowling saves some of the best for last and continues the magic. The only bad part is that this is the end.

I finally got back into the groove and started reading something a little more heady than my previous selections. An Emergent Manifesto of Hope is a solid collection of essays from a number of practitioners and thinkers from the collective fellowship and conversation that is Emergent Village. Ultimately a challenging and thought-provoking read, this book not only highlights the unifying points of Emergent, but also it's vast diversity. While there are a few chapters that make for slow reading, the majority of the text is well worth your time.

Review: Libertad - Velvet Revolver

2007-08-03T08:03:00.000-04:00

I remember being in middle school, walking along the street with my best friend at the time, and listening to Guns 'N Roses Appetite for Destruction on our mini boom box in route to the comic book store. Obviously, the band possessed about as much maturity as we did and we were faced with the end of one of the best, and perhaps most volatile, rock bands ever. And while Axl continues to work his comeback, Slash and the boys have moved on with Scott Weiland. With their debut album as Velvet Revolver garnering a Grammy, expectations were high this time around, particularly with the Top 40 dreck on the radio right now. The results are mixed. Here's the Infuze review:

Libertad - Velvet Revolver

Emergent Hope

2007-07-31T07:58:00.000-04:00

I'm in the midst of reading a relatively new book from the folks at Emergent Village called An Emergent Manifesto of Hope an am just about one third of the way through. It's been an interesting read thus far and I've found some solid statements of hope and challenge within. Thought I'd share a few with you.

Mark Scandrette, from his chapter, "Growing Pains":

"You should not think that the "real" emergence is happening elsewhere. You are invited to embrace your own celebrity - recognizing the importance of your own journey over simply being a fan of others' - and cultivate a local culture of faith-seeking. To address spectator tendencies, I give this unsolicited advice: no one can emerge for you. Make your own life. Host your own emergence. Stop reading so many books and blogs. Start your own conversations, and be a caring friend. The most important conversations happen between people who have the potential to live out their story together."

Carla Barnhill, from her chapter, "The Postmodern Parent":

"Indeed, parenting is about more than raising children. It is about investing in our hopes for the world. It is about joining in with our Creator in the ultimate act of re-creation. It is about pointing our children toward the work God has for them and giving them the resources to do it. It is about celebrating the goodness of life with God, a life that looks more like the kingdom with every generation."

Thomas Malcolm Olson, from his chapter, "Jailhouse Faith":

"I want them to imagine how their life will look when it's fully connected to God and connected to others, but they're not able to see it yet. But I can. It's the lens I look through when I teach them about recovery. I don't judge them based on the worst thing they've ever done. My reading of the prodigal son story convinces me there are many more verses in their life to be lived out."

Ryan Bolger, from his chapter, "Following Jesus into Culture":

"Jesus did not reject culture; it is where he started with people. He engaged them and spoke their language. Jesus was not countercultural as much as he was nonconformed within culture. As a cultural insider, he embodied a message of life in those places where the culture advocated death. Jesus lived in two realms simultaneously - both within human culture and submitted to the reign of God."

Review: Better Questions - Todd Agnew

2007-07-27T16:22:00.000-04:00

I became a fan of Todd Agnew's after seeing him in concert several years ago. His band rocked and his gravelly voice, accompanied by a blues-flavored sound, hooked me. Yet, his record releases have been less than stellar. Agnew seems confused as to what direction to take his sound and, as such, leaves listeners with a mixed bag of goods. Yet, there is good to be found for those willing to search it out. Here's the review I did for INFUZE:

Better Questions - Todd Agnew

Landmarks and Remembrances

2007-07-27T16:08:00.000-04:00

Y'know, if you read through the Bible, people were always erecting some sort of landmark as a memento of sorts of some sort of thing that God had brought them through. Whether or not it was some sort of big battle that had been won or was simply being able to ford a river or whatever, the people of God were always intent on gathering some stones and building some sort of structure to be able to look back to as evidence of God's working in their lives. Even the Bible in itself calls us to read it and remember, to engage these things of God as history and realize that He is in fact out and about.

Well, I've been going through some stuff, more or less internally, and am finding myself in one of those spiritually dry spots. St. John of the Cross refers to it as a "dark night of the soul"; others as just a funk. Either way, I'm fighting those thoughts that, instead of making their way to the Pearly Gates, my prayers and instead being ping-ponged back to me courtesy of our ceiling. Bible reading proves dry and even some spiritual reading that I like to do has seemed just, well, dry. As such, I've tried to follow that biblical mandate of "remembering", of looking back to the signposts and landmarks left along the path of my journey. The problem is, I don't think I'm seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing.

Instead of looking and seeing the small structures erected that declare, "God did this", or "Remember when He stepped in and did this", I'm instead seeing a littered pile of stones along the way back that instead call out, "Remember when you screwed this up?!" Sure, I have those few landmarks that all good Christ-followers are supposed to have, marks of conversion and such, and I do realize that there are more that I'm simply blind to in these moments, but I'm finding that those good things are shadowed over so heavily by my failures. Now, a good thinking Christian will take the tact that, well, I'm saved and am therefore forgiven of all wrongdoing. The righteousness of Christ has been imputed to me and that when God the Father looks down upon me, He does not see my faults but rather the glory and beauty that His Son has placed upon me. And I agree with this theology.

The problem is that, well, existentialist that I am, I don't feel very forgiven right now. I feel more like a failure than a success. This place is not where I'm supposed to be. Of course, it can again be argued that I'm right where I'm supposed to be; that God has placed me in this place for reasons that only He knows. And again, I acknowledge and agree with the theological truth inherent. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. I just need some piece of grace to fall my way, to remind me that it all really does make sense in the end.